Hang on a sec…
I've been a fan of “the pause” for a while now. But as much as I believe in the power of the pause there are more times than I'd like to admit that I don't implement it as I'd like.
The pause is the almost invisible space between having a feeling or emotion and the action(s) following it. The pause matters less when we are happy and feel good. It is more for those moments in which we later feel regret or guilt. The pause matters more when we are angry, frustrated, sad or lonely and just want to eat something sweet. And it matters a lot when we are frustrated, angry, hungry, tired and hanging on by our last threads when our partners, kids, coworkers or someone else or something else threatens to snap those last threads.
The pause is how we stay connected, not necessarily to those around us - though the actions of not taking the pause can certainly impact those relationships - but how we stay connected to who we are at our cores. Living in a way that represents our values and priorities, and how we want to present ourselves in this world. The pause allows us to refocus on what really matters in the bigger picture, beyond the moment that warrants the pause.
One of the big questions becomes, "what the heck am I supposed to do during this pause except think about the very thing that's making it necessary to take one?" The answer is, whatever works for you in order to get through the moment in a way that is true to your values and priorities.
Here are some strategies that I use on a regular basis to do my best to keep my cool. I'm going to be honest with you: none of this works all the time for me. There are still more moments than I'd like where I lose my sh*t. But I am getting better and I truly believe that the times I'm successful are not the memories that will send my kids to therapy. They are the memories that will resurface during therapy and allow my children to realize that despite my claims, I don't have super-powers. I am human, I have flaws and am doing the best I can.
Here is my current list of ways to implement a pause that help me when I want to blow my top, slam doors or eat the box of Oreos or bag of chips:
1. Breathe. There are so many studies on the benefits of breathing and I have a few specific breathing patterns that I cycle through. As cliché as it sounds I do feel better after breathing.
2. Count. Just how it sounds, I start counting until there's mental space to think about other things to do in the pause. I like to close my eyes at the same time. Unlike a 3-year old playing hide and seek, I know I can be seen by others but anyone watching should be able to tell that I'm taking a moment.
3. Stand up, walk away, find distance from the situation. No need to storm off or throw back chairs. The bathroom can be a good hiding place. Then I breathe, meditate and consider my options.
4. Go outside. Fresh air does wonders.
5. Pay with a pet.
6. Make a gratitude list. I know, this is another one that seems cliché, but it works. More powerful than just thinking your list is saying it out loud and writing it down. Different parts of your brain are activated when you do so.
7. Find someone to hug. More power to you if you're able to hug the person who triggered your need for a pause (and by that I mean the type of hug that is enjoyed by both, not the type of hug where the other person is being used as a full sized stress ball); I'm still working on that one, but I will ask for hugs if the timing is right while I think of or say what I'm grateful for.
8. Talk to someone. I have a few people I call and start the conversation with, "can I tell you what just pissed me off?" And they are all ears. Even if my frustrations are a form of entertainment I always feel heard and justified and by the end of the call I have a plan.
That's my list for now. How do you implement your pauses?
